A Spiritual Awakening - Part 1 I am loved!!

Looking back over my last few posts, especially my last post from over a year ago, I am amazed at how my Heavenly Father has answered my deep longing for being in His Presence more & more. I feel like I have found my Oasis of deep waters and my Spirit has finally awakened from deep slumber and dry places!

About 4 weeks ago a stirring in the Spirit began. Could it be an answer to my prayer of longing and thirsting for a deeper relationship with Him a long time ago? Could it possibly be that God hears our prayers, prepares us for His answers and lavishes us when He knows we are ready for it? I think so!

I met with a dear friend of mine who I hadn't seen in 18 years. We had just re-connected and started meeting almost weekly for coffee. 
As we parted company, she would look me in the eye and tell me "God has not forgotten you, Jen" and my heart would sink because I felt forgotten. I felt like He had placed me in the desert and left me there to find my own way out. Prayers fell on deaf ears (or so I thought). Carol could see right through my facade in the Spirit and continued to pray for me in a way that only she can.

A couple of weeks later and Carol had started speaking life into me as the Holy Spirit led her. In her heart, she knew the Lord wanted her to do everything possible to make it known that I was the Daughter of the Most High, Loved and Cherished. As for me, my cry never stopped.. "more of You Lord, please more of You" I wanted to soak in Him, but wasn't sure how as I felt unworthy and unloved at this stage.

My friend Carol started bringing things for me, little things, big things, precious things. She showered me with love saying it's not from her, it's from Jesus. 
It was difficult to accept. Each time we went for coffee or breakfast, she would pay and I would feel awful because I wanted to bless her and pay, but simply couldn't because of a lack of finances.

Eventually I couldn't take it much more. We had a speaker at our Church, Marc du Pont for a 4 day conference. The first night I sang with the worship team and felt dead inside, but still longing so much for Him. I wanted to experience Him, I wanted to know His tangible Presence. I told my husband I was having a Crisis of Faith.

The next morning I met Carol for coffee once again. She told me she woke up that morning feeling strongly to take me shopping for something new. (at this point you would think I would be on my knees before Him for remembering me!!) I burst into a mess of tears of self-pity, saying how could this be? I want to be the one taking people shopping and out for new things. I'm tired of being the recipient of other people blessing us. Ughh, the self-pity did not look good!
Carol looked me in the eye and gently rebuked my self-pity. Afterall, who am I to question how God chooses to provide? If He chooses to use Man to bless us for the rest of our years here on earth.. what is it to me??

I felt like a lightbulb came on within me. It was at that point I woke up. Or should I say my Spirit woke up. I suddenly knew without a doubt who I am. I AM the daughter of the Most High, a princess, beautiful in His eyes, a delight! And all this because of Jesus and what He had done for each one of us. 
My whole world has changed since that day. That night at the next Marc du Pont meeting I knew that I knew that I knew He was within me, around me, and I in Him. I could soak in Him deeply and it's wonderful!

We all have this precious gift freely available because of Jesus. He went through so much on the Cross so that we could access the Father with an abandonment of a little child that runs into her Father's arms. We are free to worship Him, to breathe Him, to love Him and to know we are loved in return by Him.. unconditionally. Thank YOU JESUS!

Dry and Desolate Places

I am in a desert. It is dry, so wildly dry. I am lost in a world of sand, dust, dead bushes; no life. The sun beats down on me. I am thirsty. I thirst. I long for the Living Water.
I long to find His everlasting oasis and to stay there. Where can I go?
I know He is with me. I know. Lord it doesn't matter which direction I go. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is being in You to go with You, to Glorify You. All I long for is Your Voice.. Your presence.. Your arms..
I am in a good place because I hunger and I thirst and I am seeking and I am desperate for You. Draw me to You, Lord. Draw me ever closer. Nothing else matters. Nothing. You are everything.

Cry Of the Foolish Virgin

I did not write this article, it came in my inbox this morning from Revival School. I am not sure who the author is, but her heart speaks to my heart. I identify with her, I feel the warnings too. It's time to search for Him. Desperately.

CRY OF the FOOLISH VIRGIN
-by Shelley 'B'.

I just wanted to share with you something that the Lord showed me.

I've had a strange experience a couple days ago.
I was praying and then I heard in the spirit the most mournful
horrible cry I had ever heard. It was a woman's voice and she
was crying, "OH LORD!!!!" I showed mom what it sounded like
and she said that it was really freaky and scary, I AGREE!!!! I was
really shaken by this because the Lord had warned me about a
week before that, that I was in danger of being part of the foolish
virgin because I was not pursuing Him for intimacy with Him, and
that He was no longer my first love, and that I was drawing back
from Him whenever He would draw near because I was afraid to
give up everything for Him and obey Him completely.

I sensed that it was the cry of the foolish virgin and I told Daryl
what I had heard, and he said that he had heard the same cry the
day before, but she didn't say "Oh Lord." it was just a terrible
mournful cry. That kinda shook me even more. I had been feeling
in my spirit sorrowful, I knew I was missing the Lord but I felt that
He was warning me, but that there was still hope because if there
wasn't He wouldn't have said anything.

So with the help of the Lord I have resolved to seek HIM NO
MATTER WHAT, and to not draw back from Him when He draws
close to me again and to say YES to His call and to obey Him.
I repented from where I had fallen, I'm nothing with out HIM, and
I know that I can't do it without His help! I have to surrender all and
choose to obey Him and say like Job said, "Yay though He slay
me, yet will I serve Him!!!'' Lord help me!

A while back the Lord showed me what the problem was with
the foolish virgins, He told me that first of all, they didn't have a
consistent intimate relationship with Him, they only came to Him
when they felt dry spiritually, they weren't putting Him first in their
lives, that He wasn't their FIRST Love, and secondly they were not
obedient to His call on their lives.

Being honest with myself, I knew that was me. I'm sure that MANY
in the church are living the same way, and that's so scary. Well
there were 10 virgins and 5 were wise and 5 foolish, that means
that 50% of those vergins are unfaithful to the Lord. That's a HUGE
NUMBER!!!! The Lord also showed me, that these foolish virgins
were indeed born again, because they had Lamps and had some
oil in them, which signifies the Holy Spirit in their lives. Also the
other thing He showed me is that they ALL went to sleep!!! ALL
of them, and the Lord is warning us, that if we are at all aware of
our state to take it serious NOW or we may fall asleep and end
up not being ready when He returns. He also said to me that He is
coming VERY SOON...

I had a vision last spring, of seeing in the Spirit realm, and it was
early dawn, and I could see on the horizon that there was light
coming. The next day I was praying and the Lord shown me it
again, He spoke to me and said, "It's the dawn of My return and
my glory is already shining upon the earth!" At that moment, my
spirit began to cry out, "Lord COME!!!!" and then in the same
breath being shaken by that revelation I said, "but Lord make us
ready" and I repeated these things over and over again for a long
time, the Holy Spirit was moving me soooo deeply. I knew that
it was a NOW vision, I was not seeing something that would
happen soon, but what was happening right at that moment in
time. Oh... and the second time I seen it, the horizon was MUCH
MUCH brighter, and I thought, if this is what is happening right
now, it's happening REALLY FAST!!! He is soooo close to coming
now! He also told me that Satan can also see His glory and that
he was going to increase his attacks and deception because his
time is very short now.

Also the Lord said that His glory was going to start to shake things
upon the earth and that He was going to judge His church and deal
with the sin in it because He is coming back for a church that is
without spot or wrinkle. Things were going to get turned upside
down. I pray that the Lord will use this email to stir you for Him too.
Don't take it lightly, I am shaking in my boots. There is NOTHING
to fear if we are in obedience to Him. BUT Jesus said that we
should fear God who has the authority to cast us into the lake of
fire. If we are truly in Him, in obedience and in a deep relationship
with Him, then we have NOTHING TO FEAR, but have only to look
up and wait for our redemption!! ^___^

It is time to return to HIM with all of our hearts, we don't want to
be part of the Foolish virgins, I just can't imagine being separated
from Him for eternity!!! >_< Lord have mercy on us, deliver us from
all evil and help us to return to you with our whole hearts!

Mat 25:1 "Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten
virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.
And five of them were wise, and five [were] foolish. They that [were]
foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise
took oil in their vessels with their lamps.
While the bridegroom tarried, they ALL slumbered and slept.
And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom
cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and
trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us
of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered,
saying, [Not so]; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go
ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they
went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went
in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.
Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open
to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know
you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the
hour wherein the Son of man cometh."

And may He stir our hearts and bring unto us a sorrow that leads
to repentance, before there is no more time for repentance. Today
is still the day of salvation, He says to us, when we hear His voice,
don't harden your hearts as they did in the wilderness, He says
that He swore in His wrath that they would NOT ENTER into His
rest. He says, that while it is still called today, strive to enter it!

Hbr 3:12 "Take heed, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil
heart of unbelief, in departing from the living God. But exhort one
another daily, while it is called Today; lest any of you be hardened
through the deceitfulness of sin. For we are made partakers of
Christ, if we hold the beginning of our confidence stedfast unto the end..."

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Loving the Giver, not the Gifts

Is it possible to change my destiny or our destiny as a family, by having favor with our Lord and Savior?

I'm starting to think it just might be possible. I need need to do a deeper search on this, but just a glance at the hero's of the Bible like Abraham, Moses, Noah and Isaiah (just naming a few), every time the LORD wanted to wipe out the entire Nation or World, these righteous men would be pleading before Him to have mercy. And He would. Why? Because they loved Him for Who He is, not for what He could give them. They worshiped and adored Him and did all that was right in His eyes and was obedient to Him no matter what the cost. They knew He was God and trusted Him completely.

My journey has taken an interesting and difficult turn since I last posted. My yearning to love Him unconditionally is being answered. It has been the most difficult journey I have ever been on in my entire life. But to be able to go into His presence unhindered and without guilt is something new to me. To walk into His throne room, and know that I am not walking in, asking for favors, but just to be there, to worship Him in spite of our trials and hard times. Now this is cool. I haven't mastered it yet, I must be honest. I wake up in a panic when I know our bills are falling behind. I stress in the middle of the night when I wonder how the bank will react to us not paying something that's due... But if I get up in that stress, and just tell Him over and over that I love Him, that I worship Him and trust Him, I finally feel that peace that everyone else always talks about, and I can drift off to sleep. I'm not saying we shouldn't be asking Him for help, but I want to be like Esther and prepare myself intimately before and for Him, to have that boldness to come before my King knowing that I love Him for who He is, not for what He can give me.

It's become a moment by moment (not day by day) time that I need to remind myself to be in this state of trusting Him.

Lord I love You so much. You are my King, my Abba, my Lord. I cannot breathe without You, You are my breath, I am lost without You.

Unconditional Love - His or Mine

I realized a very scary thought last night. I do not love my Lord, Creator and Father unconditionally.

A couple of months ago, I asked the Lord what commandment I wasn't keeping at the time, immediately I heard Him say "You are not loving the Lord Your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength."

I knew that was true. How do you fall in love with an unseen God? Yes, I see His beauty in His creation around me. I see His glorious works in the starry night. I see His awesome wonders in the ocean. And I believe His Word to be true.

I have seen miracles of healing, and people being delivered. I have heard His voice within me, and felt His awesome peace and comfort.
My boys know His voice and try to obey as they learn to discern it.
He brought my husband to me in the most amazing way, and we know He placed us together miraculously.
He has provided when we were at our lowest. He has healed me when I was in agony in my neck, and healed a tooth infection that reached all the way to the back of my throat.

So I know that I know that I know there is a God. One Whose presence is ever around us all the time. Who knows our thoughts, who knew us before conception. Who directs our paths when we surrender all to Him.

But what if He chose to take away His provision, His promises of healing, His promises of life more abundantly?
What if He gave me abundance and chose to take it all away (sound a little like Job?), or gave me a son and promised me I would be the Mother of many Nations, and then asked me to kill that very same son as a sacrifice, that He just gave me?

How strong is my love for Him? I can tell it is so weak. This week was a tough week. That same toothache that He Himself healed is back with a vengeance. My sons allergies that we've been believing for a stronger immune system, are getting worse!! Shandon (my oldest), with tears in his eyes said, "but mommy, I've prayed and asked Him to heal me... why doesn't He?"
My heart broke because inside I was asking exactly the same question.

I have to admit, I was so angry at God. I was almost spitting fire because my faith can't take much more knocking. But it dawned on me, my love for Him faltered because He was not answering my prayers, or at the very least answering my son's prayers.
If He chooses not to heal me, would I still love Him no matter what He allows?

It's Unconditional Love. Why should He love me with an Unconditional Love, but I don't return that Love?

Oh Lord teach me to Love You no matter what comes my way. To rejoice in the Trials, to discern what is a test of my love for You, or simply needs warfare on my part. I want to walk in the Spirit. I can only Love You more, if I have more of Jesus in me, and less of me. How can I pray for Your people, for the lost if I don't really Trust You, Love You? How can I show others Your light, if I don't let it shine especially when I'm down? Show me how, please teach me Lord.