I realized a very scary thought last night. I do not love my Lord, Creator and Father unconditionally.
A couple of months ago, I asked the Lord what commandment I wasn't keeping at the time, immediately I heard Him say "You are not loving the Lord Your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength."
I knew that was true. How do you fall in love with an unseen God? Yes, I see His beauty in His creation around me. I see His glorious works in the starry night. I see His awesome wonders in the ocean. And I believe His Word to be true.
I have seen miracles of healing, and people being delivered. I have heard His voice within me, and felt His awesome peace and comfort.
My boys know His voice and try to obey as they learn to discern it.
He brought my husband to me in the most amazing way, and we know He placed us together miraculously.
He has provided when we were at our lowest. He has healed me when I was in agony in my neck, and healed a tooth infection that reached all the way to the back of my throat.
So I know that I know that I know there is a God. One Whose presence is ever around us all the time. Who knows our thoughts, who knew us before conception. Who directs our paths when we surrender all to Him.
But what if He chose to take away His provision, His promises of healing, His promises of life more abundantly?
What if He gave me abundance and chose to take it all away (sound a little like Job?), or gave me a son and promised me I would be the Mother of many Nations, and then asked me to kill that very same son as a sacrifice, that He just gave me?
How strong is my love for Him? I can tell it is so weak. This week was a tough week. That same toothache that He Himself healed is back with a vengeance. My sons allergies that we've been believing for a stronger immune system, are getting worse!! Shandon (my oldest), with tears in his eyes said, "but mommy, I've prayed and asked Him to heal me... why doesn't He?"
My heart broke because inside I was asking exactly the same question.
I have to admit, I was so angry at God. I was almost spitting fire because my faith can't take much more knocking. But it dawned on me, my love for Him faltered because He was not answering my prayers, or at the very least answering my son's prayers.
If He chooses not to heal me, would I still love Him no matter what He allows?
It's Unconditional Love. Why should He love me with an Unconditional Love, but I don't return that Love?
Oh Lord teach me to Love You no matter what comes my way. To rejoice in the Trials, to discern what is a test of my love for You, or simply needs warfare on my part. I want to walk in the Spirit. I can only Love You more, if I have more of Jesus in me, and less of me. How can I pray for Your people, for the lost if I don't really Trust You, Love You? How can I show others Your light, if I don't let it shine especially when I'm down? Show me how, please teach me Lord.